My best friend who is 21 is engaged to be married this May to her boyfriend of 4 years who is a high school drop out and joined the Army. They love each other but its so obvious that they should not be rushing this marriage because their relationship is no where near perfect. They fight almost every week and they have no financial stability. The wedding is paid for and all planned but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to see her marry into a failing relationship. Any advice for her? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. A major lesson in any relationship is that you can’t change someone else’s thinking or behavior, only they can do that. The most you can do is set a positive example and be there for them to the extent that is healthy for you.

You have a few options you might consider:

  1. Involve yourself in positive activities and invite her to join you.
  2. Live your life in a way that shows her there are alternatives.
  3. Praise her positive behaviors.
  4. Be there for her as long as it doesn’t affect your life negatively.
  5. Remove yourself from the situation.

It’s hard to do much else because it’s up to her to make her own decisions in life, even when they’re negative. The only thing under your control is how you choose to live your life. Remember that you deserve to be in relationships with people who help you treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction. Take care.

how can i tell if i'm being used as a rebound? — Anonymous

Thank you for your question. It’s important to be in a relationship where the other person is there for you and values who you are. What often happens in a rebound situation is that the person coming out of a relationship dates someone in order to feel good for a while and then moves on. Some of the signs you may be in a rebound relationship include:

  • The person just got out of a long-term, serious relationship.
  • The person just got out of a marriage.
  • The person says they don’t want a serious relationship.
  • The person says they just want to have fun.
  • The person talks a lot about their previous relationship.
  • The person doesn’t seem to be ready to commit to you, or in other cases, is too eager to commit and get into a serious relationship.
  • The person needs a lot of support and help but doesn’t give you a lot.
  • The person compares you to their previous relationship.
  • Your inner voice tells you you’re in a rebound relationship.

Think about your current situation. If something doesn’t feel quite right, listen to your intuition. In a healthy relationship, the person is fully available, healthy, ready to focus their attention on you and doesn’t have baggage from a relationship that just ended. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who wants a healthy, meaningful relationship with you. Take care.

My bf and I (both 25) have been dating for >1 yr. He is by far the best guy I've dated and we are compatible in many ways. That being said, he suffers from depression (low energy, apathy, emotionally flat-line). Recently I have breached the topic of marriage and kids (maybe >5 yrs from now?), but he said he's not sure if he ever wants either one, largely due to the energy they require. I honestly believe he would enjoy these things if he gave them a real chance, but he is stubborn. Any advice? — jacquilou

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s important for people in a relationship to find a way to work on issues together. It sounds like you both communicate with each other and try to understand each other’s point of view. That’s a great start.

The thing to remember is that you can’t change someone or make them think a certain way; only they can do that. No amount of persuading, wishing or convincing will make someone truly change their mind about something unless they do it themselves. When people do things they don’t really want to do in a relationship it leads to resentment and dissatisfaction. That leaves you with options such as:

  1. Accept him the way he is.
  2. Work together to find a solution that works for both of you.
  3. Find someone who meets your needs.

The idea in any positive relationship is for both people to work together to find solutions that are beneficial to both of them. Perhaps you could just keep talking about things (including how depression can affect a relationship) and learning more about each other before you make any decisions. The more you learn about him, the more you’ll know if he’s what you need in a significant other.

Remember that you deserve to be with someone who shares your goals in life and will work with you to find options that are positive for both of you. Take care.

So me and my boyfriend has been dating for about three years now. I'm happy , he's happy... I love him so much<3 In the beginning it was quite a struggle though with his parents because of my race(I'm half black/white) and their wanting him to marry someone from the same culture/race(hes Korean) as their selves but eventually they got over it since they thought we were just together for the moment. Heh but little did they know their son had bigger plans for us and he had popped the question to m — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It can be difficult when someone’s family doesn’t approve of a relationship for whatever reason. The important thing to remember is that other people’s thoughts and behaviors aren’t yours. You get to choose what works for you as long as it moves your life in a positive direction.

You and your boyfriend get to decide how healthy and strong your relationship is and what your future plans are. You might want to take some time to think carefully about what you want in a marriage and make sure your current situation matches your needs. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are and doesn’t bring a lot of baggage into the relationship. Take care.