The Relationship Situation

Before the “break” I was in an international long distance relationship for four years. We had met each other for the week in which I had stayed overseas with him. There was never any concern with either of us whether there was infidelity, adultery or anything of that likeness. Our relationship was strong. Communication, and devotion. He made a hold on the relationship due to personal issues he had in his own life. Not being able to support us, or himself as a man. I understood, painfully, and attempted to find my own comforts. Within the many accounts of being used, pushed away, and lack of connection.. I truly began to realize and think I would never love again.. never love anyone but this person. Two months ago he re-entered from the break and seemed to take things the way they were, but realistically since we’re so far apart. In the meantime, I started a close relationship, that seemed to have fallen into my hands. I am not in love with this new person.. what should I do?

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to decide what kind of relationship you want and with whom. Perhaps you might ask yourself a few questions to clarify what you want to do, such as:

  • What kind of relationship do I want?
  • How do I want to be treated?
  • What does each person’s behavior tell me about how they will behave in the future?
  • What would be the effect of any decision I might make?
  • What decision can I make that will help me treat myself well and move my life in a positive direction?
  • What things am I doing to make sure I’m the healthiest and most balanced person possible without a significant other in my life?

Asking yourself questions like these will help you decide what you want to do. The key is to make decisions that help you move in a positive direction and enjoy healthy relationships. It’s also a good idea to pay attention to how people have behaved in the past because it signals what they’re likely to do in the future.

Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats you wonderfully and helps you live a positive life. Take care.

How do you deal with jealousy in a Long distance relationship? I've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for two years and I sometimes find myself jealous of the individuals who do get to spend time with him. This is taking a toll on our relationship, because he doesn't understand my feelings. When I try to explain it to him I tell him that I trust that he's not going to cheat on me, it just hurts that I'm not the one there to spend time with him. How do I change this? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You have a lot of control over how you behave in a relationship, including whether you act jealously or not. Jealousy is about the person who experiences it. It can signal that their self-esteem is low or they need outside approval to feel great about themselves.

The good news is that you get to decide whether you are jealous or not. Try the following exercise to interrupt the pattern:

  • When you feel jealousy coming on think of a word, action or image or thought that will replace it. For example: If you feel jealous you tell yourself, “I’m great and I’m not going to behave jealously.” Another example is writing down your thoughts and letting them go. The idea is to find something that interrupts your thinking pattern.
  • Even if you feel like it’s not working, keep practicing. Do it for 30 days and at the end of that time period decide if it’s working or you need to do it for another 30 days.
  • Keep practicing until you don’t feel the jealousy.

It takes time to change your thoughts and behaviors but, if you’re willing to practice a different approach for some time, you’ll be able to change the way you do things.

An additional thing you can do is to make sure you’re the healthiest and most balanced person possible without a significant other. Do things you love and build yourself up. The better you feel about yourself, the easier it will be to feel things other than jealousy. You might also consider giving yourself the gift of seeing a therapist so you can learn some positive skills to deal with jealousy and discover how wonderful you are.

Remember that you deserve to work on yourself and get rid of the jealousy so you can enjoy healthy relationships. Take care.

Relationship Advice Blog

I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 3 months this month, and I really do love him, I just can't help but feel like the spark's gone or something. He's asexual and I kind of have intimacy issues, so it's not that or anything, but I just feel kind of bored with the relationship and don't know what to do =/ Neither of us are any good at talking about things, and his self-esteem sucks so I don't really want to say anything but idk what to do =/ — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to decide what kind of relationship you want and with whom you want to be. One skill that’s important to learn in any relationship is to talk openly, kindly and calmly about things. Perhaps you might both try the following exercise together:

  • One person talks for up to five minutes about something that is important or meaningful to him or her.
  • The other person listens without interrupting or reacting negatively.
  • Switch sides.
  • Do this two or three times and keep repeating it every few days until you both become comfortable with it.

The idea in any healthy relationship is to communicate with each other and share your thoughts and feelings. It takes practice but, the more the two of you talk, the easier it will be to deal with any challenge that comes your way. It will also help you talk calmly and kindly with him about whatever is on your mind.

Remember that you both deserve to be in a relationship with someone who will work hard to communicate and deal with the issues in the relationship. Take care.

Relationship Advice Blog

My ex and I have been been broken up for four months now. We were in a long distance relationship, we were both full time students and worked full time. We both made mistakes in our relationship and we've accepted that. He recently started messaging me that he loves me and want to be in my life, but he hasn't shown me. I guess I'm just scared of getting hurt again or hurting him. How can two people mend their relationship and move forward? Is it possible? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s important to pay attention to how people behave in a relationship. That means watching to see if their actions match their words.

It’s always beneficial to proceed cautiously in any relationship so you can take care of yourself and move your life in a positive direction. You might find it helpful to have many conversations with him where you talk calmly and kindly about things that are important to you and listen to each other. As you learn more about him, you can decide what’s best for you.

The idea is to get to know each other really well and communicate at a level where you can work together to mend your relationship. Consider taking it slowly and having many conversations before advancing to the fixing phase. Only move forward when he’s consistently behaved the way you want him to. Once you trust that he means what he says, you can work on a plan together to build a positive relationship.

Remember that you deserve to be with someone who values who you are and is willing to take the time to work on things. Take care.

The Relationship Situation

My boyfriend and I have been dating about 9 months, and we love each other so much. We’ve been best friends for the quite a while, and we often talk about marriage and more serious things in the future. Recently, he found out that he has to move to another country. He’ll be moving from the U.S. into Canada, and I’ve never been in a long distance relationship. He doesn’t move for another four months, and he might be able to come back later on….but we’re both really worried about how hard maintaining a long distance relationship will be. Both of us are very scared that the distance will come between us, and we are willing to work on it very hard. Do you have any tips for someone like us who is about to go into a long distance relationship?

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation.  It’s challenging to keep a long distance relationship going because you’re not with each other in person. A positive approach you might consider is keeping the relationship going by talking with each other often, sharing what’s going on in your lives and listening to each other. Share your thoughts and feelings, ask each other questions and keep learning about each other. 

The key is to stay in each other’s lives and be there for each other regardless of the distance. It takes some effort but you can keep building the relationship and supporting each other. Eventually, you’ll settle into a pattern that works for both of you. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is there for you and will work on keeping things moving in a positive direction. Take care.

How much time should pass before a person should grow concerned about having little/no communication from their other in a sorta long distance relationship? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s up to you and the other person in the relationship to decide what works for you. The general idea is to communicate openly and often in a relationship instead of trying to guess what’s going on.

Perhaps you might consider talking a little more often, asking some questions and listening to each other so you can both be on the same page. Do it in a kind and caring way and keep getting to know one another. You both deserve to have a happy relationship. Take care.

The Relationship Situation

I have been dating this guy for about 2 years. We have a long distance relationship but we keep in contact always. He has cheated on me before and we went throught this whole fight and alwasy broke up and he cried and aplogized and we ended up getting past it. Last night when we were talking he made comments like “theres no way you aren’t doing something with another guy you cant be just that commited to me, we havent seen each other in 5 months” and he said it in a laugh-able tone and he was like “if you’re that commited I need to shoot myself” and he smiled and stuff and was like “because someone else does love me”. It sounded like he was just joking around but serious at the same time. I don’t care if other girls like him, but the way that he said everything, is he basically saying he cheating on me again? I didn’t know what to do I just kinda smiled and laughed with him and I was like well I’m not doing anything. What should I do? Were both 18

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s important to watch people’s behavior in a relationship because what they’ve done up to now is likely to be what they do in the future. The only way to change the pattern is if they work on it for a long time. It’s also a good idea to listen to your inner voice, it’s the one telling you what’s really going on.

You get to decide what kind of relationship you want and what kind of person you want to be with. Perhaps you might take some time to think about what you want and talk calmly and kindly with him. Let him know what you need and make sure to listen to him without reacting negatively or interrupting. The idea is to gather information so you can make a decision. The more you learn about him the easier it will be to decide what you want to do. Keep in mind that the key is for you to treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction.

You’re a valuable person and you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect and is there for you exclusively. You’re that important. Take care.