Well me and my boyfriend broke up, we had a horrible fight. We both said mean things to each other. I text him the other night and told him I was sorry about everything I said, that I didn't mean any of it. He didn't text back, then I tried to call him, but he didn't answer. We both go to the same community college, so I sometimes see him once in awhile, and when he looks at me, I just feel like there is still something there. I love him so much still. But we don't ever talk. Is it over? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s hard to go through a break up. A lot of people find it difficult to deal with conflict in a relationship. When something goes wrong, they explode rather than talking about things.

In a healthy relationship, both people work hard to communicate with the other person. You can both do this by practicing an important communication skill, listening. You can’t do anything to change his mind but you can offer to listen to what he has to say. If he decides to talk with you, you might find it helpful to suggest the following exercise:

  • One person talks for up to five minutes about something important to him or her.
  • The other person listens without interrupting or reacting negatively.
  • Switch sides.
  • Repeat this exercise three times daily for as long as it takes for each of you to listen to the other without getting in an argument.

The key to being able to deal with difficult issues in a relationship is for both people to be able to set aside their own stuff and listen to the other person. You both have points of view that are important and deserve attention. You can give it to each other by listening.

Try this approach if he’s willing to do it and, after plenty of practice, you’ll both be communicating without fighting. Remember that you both deserve to talk about important issues in any relationship without getting into a conflict. Take care.

I have been married for 11 years. During this time I found out my wife had over $30,000 in debt when we got married that she did not tell me about. We have been paying this off over a good part of our marriage. Now, after our second child was born, I find out that she lied about having a college degree, and in fact never even attended the college she claimed to have a degree from. I find myself feeling that I do not have a real "partner" in this relationship. What should I do? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the key elements in any healthy relationship is open and honest communication. Sometimes people have grown up in an environment or find themselves in a relationship where they don’t feel safe sharing important information.

The key is to find a way to communicate openly that works for both of you. You might try the following exercise to start establishing a positive approach to communication.

  • One person talks for up to five minutes about something that is important to him or her.
  • The other person listens without reacting negatively, commenting, judging, rebutting or interrupting.
  • Switch sides.
  • Repeat the exercise three times, thank each other and go do something else.
  • Repeat this process each day until you both feel comfortable communicating this way.

The idea of this exercise is to start establishing trust and open communication by listening to each other without interrupting or judging in any way. You don’t have to fix anything or do anything else but listen and learn about the other person. Once you get good at it, you’ll both be able to work on a plan to fix the situation but the first step is to communicate meaningfully.

As you practice this together, you’ll be showing each other that you care about what each of you says and you’ll be establishing a communication style that is safe and welcoming. Remember that you both deserve to communicate calmly and kindly and talk about even the most difficult topics. Take care.

I saw that my boyfriend was talking on facebook and making plans with this girl he admitted he used to have feelings for, but now they are just friends. But he never told me I found the message on my own, I dont think he is cheatting. I just told him I would like to know if he is hanging out with other girls, and he just got mad — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s up to you to decide how you want to be treated in a relationship and whether you’re listening to your intuition.

You might want to gather more information before you reach a conclusion. Take some time to think about what you might want to ask him and then talk with him calmly and kindly. Talk a few times and figure out if what he’s saying makes sense to you and matches his behavior. Listen closely and watch his reaction, you’ll eventually figure out what’s really going on because your intuition will tell you.

You get to decide what you do next. The general idea is to make sure you treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction. Remember that you deserve to date people who respect you and tell you the truth. Take care.

How much time should pass before a person should grow concerned about having little/no communication from their other in a sorta long distance relationship? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s up to you and the other person in the relationship to decide what works for you. The general idea is to communicate openly and often in a relationship instead of trying to guess what’s going on.

Perhaps you might consider talking a little more often, asking some questions and listening to each other so you can both be on the same page. Do it in a kind and caring way and keep getting to know one another. You both deserve to have a happy relationship. Take care.

Alright, so I'm in this one year program and at the beginning I was dating my ex who I was with for about 6 years. I met this boy in the program, we started dating and we spent a lot of time together, especially since we see each other everyday due to having every class together. We dated for a while and it was okay, quite a few arguments due to bad communication, so he dumped me in early september. He came back 2 weeks later, we dated until a week ago, and he's dumped me again, should I give up — sasharrr

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to decide what you do in a relationship and how you deal with challenges in it. If communication is an issue, you might want to try communicating through listening. For example:

  • One person talks for up to five minutes.
  • The other person listens without reacting, interrupting, offering advice or fixing anything.
  • Switch sides and repeat.
  • Do this as often as it takes for each of you to listen to the other without getting into an argument.

It’s up to you whether you want to work on things. When you practice this type of excercise for a while, you’ll both get better at communicating and improve the relationship. It can help you tell each other what’s important to you without getting into an argument.

Take some time to think about what you want to do and then move forward. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to communicate openly and who treats you wonderfully. You’re that important. Take care.

valentine's day is coming up and i'm going to visit my long distance boyfriend for a few days. he's told me a couple times that he hates valentine's day and not to get him anything because he won't be getting me anything. he keeps bringing up that he was hurt before by his ex so he's just over the whole thing. he seems really serious about it and it hurts that he takes it out on me for what they did. should i leave it be this year or stick to my guns about wanting to do something? — iwibird

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to respect other people’s wishes in a relationship, unless they are dangerous or negative. One of the biggest lessons in life is that other people view the world differently than we do because they’ve had different experiences.

You might consider giving him the gift of listening. Ask him about the situation and just listen without interrupting or reacting in any way. Learn about him. You can also tell him about your experiences. The idea is to talk calmly and kindly about things. The more you talk with each other the more you’ll be able to work on a resolution together.

Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you both know each other really well and value each other’s perspective. Take care.

Any advice for a long distance relationship??? I need help — Anonymous

Thank you for your question. It’s hard to keep a long distance relationship going because you’re not with each other in person. One thing that you might find helpful is to keep the relationship going in other ways such as talking with each other often, sharing what’s going on in your lives and listening to each other. Ask each other questions and keep learning about each other. Share your thoughts and feelings.

The idea is to stay in each other’s lives and be there for each other. It takes some work but you can keep building the relationship. Over time you’ll figure out what works for both of you. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is there for you and will work on keeping things going in a positive direction. Take care.