So, i met a guy at a friends party two months ago and finally we started dating a bit after new years. it lasted a little longer than three weeks. So, anyways, i think my insecurities are the reason it ended because i confessed i was worried about him cheating. We were decent friends before this so i was wondering if i could be friends with him again and how long before i contact him? What should i say when i do cause i'm lost and don't want to screw things up again. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s OK to not always know what to do in a relationship. You might try contacting him in a friendly way when you feel it’s appropriate and letting him know you’d like to be friends if he’s open to it. Take some time to think about what you would like to tell him and then say it briefly and in a friendly way. Make sure to listen to what he says without interrupting or reacting negatively.

Once you tell him, just let go and give him some time to think. If he decides to reconnect with you that’s great; if not, then you’re still a wonderful person. The idea is to just let him know what you’re thinking and then let him decide what he wants to do.

You might also take some time to think about what worked and what didn’t in the relationship and what you might do differently in the future. Remember that you deserve to celebrate the great person you are and enjoy positive relationships. Take care.

I've been going out with this girl for 4 months now, nearly 5. We've known each other 2 years and know one another really well. Recently I've found things quite hard, like she never replies to my texts but she replies to other peoples instantly and she also is always talking about wanting to go out and party. I feel like she's being a bit selfish because I have given her everything, I feel we're in love and i don't want to lose her. Do you see these worries as insecurities or is there a problem? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s normal to wonder what’s going on when something changes in a relationship. When someone’s behavior changes it can mean any number of things, the key is to find out what’s going on.

One of the best ways to get more information is to talk with her calmly and kindly. Think about what you would like to ask her or what you’re wondering about. Then set up a time when you’re both able to talk and ask her your questions. Keep them brief and free of judgments. You’re trying to gather information and learn about what’s going on so you can decide what to do next. Listen to her answers without interrupting or reacting negatively.

The more the two of you talk the more you’ll know what’s going on and what you want to do to take care of yourself and move in a positive direction. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who values you, wants to spend time with you and works hard to communicate openly. Take care.

My boyfriend&I have been going a for about a year. As our relationship grew, so did how i thought about everything I take the most simple thing and turn it into something completely out of content or just so much more complex then it should be. I overthink everything. I know that if i want my relationship to last I need to get rid of that habit I trust my boyfriend so much and he is loyal, but my habit of over thinking makes me think differently it brings out all my insecurities. how can i stop? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the keys to a great relationship is to love yourself first. When you love who you are you’ll be so comfortable with yourself that you won’t be insecure about things.

You might take some time to think about what is causing your over thinking and insecurity. Ask yourself questions such as:

  • What is causing my over thinking and insecurity?
  • What events in my life led to the way I think now?
  • What is really happening in my relationship?
  • What might not actually be happening?
  • What is likely to happen in my relationship if I continue thinking like this?
  • What is unlikely to happen?
  • What am I doing to help myself be the happiest and most balanced person possible?
  • What am I doing to make sure I’m happy on my own outside of a romantic relationship?
  • Which of my behaviors make me happy and which don’t?
  • Which behaviors would I change to feel happier?
  • What am I willing to do to work on my over thinking and insecurity?

The idea is to think carefully about the reasons behind the over thinking and do other things that lead you in a positive direction. You might consider giving yourself the gift of talking with a therapist so you can learn how to deal with these thoughts and feelings and celebrate how great you are. It’s a way of treating yourself well.

You get to decide how you behave in any relationship and how you take care of yourself. Remember that you deserve to feel secure about yourself and others and enjoy positive relationships. Take care.

I'm in an inter-racial relationship and things have been difficult due to this. I have a feeling my bf doesn't want me to hang out with his friends cause of it although he says that's not it. Besides me he shows all interest (porn stars, strip clubs, women he checks out...) within his race and things physically between us have seemed to die out. Are these my insecurities? does he feed into this? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the most important lessons for building a healthy relationship is to find someone who deeply values who you are and treats you well.

You’re wonderful the way you are so the key is to find people who will appreciate your amazing qualities. One positive way to do this is to make sure you’re the healthiest and most balanced you possible. Do things you love, celebrate who you are and meet people who like the things you like. When you live a happy, active life you’ll attract people who like you for you.

You might want to take some time to consider how you want to be treated in a relationship and how you want your significant other to behave. Once you do some thinking you’ll be able to decide what’s right for you. The idea is to be with someone who likes the real you and treats you with respect. You’re worth it. Take care.

I am disabled, and always have trouble meeting people. Although I have my insecurities (that will never go away), I also know I can be a very fun and humorous person. I just feel as though a lot of men have trouble giving me the chance to show my true self because I am always so shy and hesitant at first. What are some ways to getting over insecurities such as these? And where can I meet new people? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the best ways to meet people is to do things you love doing. For example: If you love to do art, then fill your life with activities related to the arts. Focus on the things you really love doing and move in those circles. As you live your life based on your interests and talents you’ll be around people who appreciate the real you.

You might find it helpful to take some time to think about what you really enjoy in life and who you really are. Pick on or two things you can start doing to pursue your interests and start doing them.

The key is to live your life based on who you are deep inside. As you live your life that way, you’ll also find that your insecurities will diminish because you’ll just be living your life as the great person you are. Remember that you deserve to be around people who share your interests and value the real you. Take care.

The Relationship Situation

My gf won’t let me talk to or see my friends. We are going on 2 yrs, some friends I’ve had for 10+ years. Yes, I’ve introduced/had her join in when out with friends before. But she became convinced they are taking me away from her and hate her, when they have not threatened her (ok, one did and we aren’t friends anymore now). How can I get her to trust me and them? She has low self-esteem, insecurities, and does what she wants, always has need to get her way or else thinks I look down on her…

I am trying my best in my relationship (I have made my own mistakes of course) but I’m not perfect and getting some advice may help me be a better person to the one I care most about.

Thought to admit one of my own mistakes, similar to the problem I’m having. My gf relies on others give her self-worth; she’s easily jealous, wants to be popular, perfect, loved by everyone. It makes me feel incompetent, like I’m not enough or doing what she needs. I’ll feel this when she argues when I’m trying to reassure her, or if she’s online or talking to friends, she will get so distracted she stops texting me mid-conversation, but if I were to act like that, she gets insecure/demanding.

The Relationship Advice 

Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the most important ideas in any relationship is that you’re not responsible for someon else’s feelings. It’s a difficult concept because many of us feel that we somehow have to make someone else happy or lessen their pain.

It happens a lot in relationships where someone is insecure and the other person is trying to help them feel better about themselves. The difficulty is that you can’t make anyone else feel differently than they do, they have to do it. It takes a lot of hard work, sometimes months or years talking to a therapist, for people to change their behaviors. Only they can do it through looking at themselves and doing the work necessary.

That leaves you in a position where you get to decide what you want to do. You can assume that she will continue to behave this way in the future unless she chooses to work on her own issues. You get to determine how you want to behave. You might find it helpful to take some time to think about how you want to be treated in a relationship, what your needs are and what kind of person would be most likely to make you happy.

The idea is to do things that bring you positive results, such as surrounding yourself with people who don’t need you to prop them up. You deserve to have people in your life who are strong and healthy and inspire you to be the best person you can be. You’re worth it. Take care.

My boyfriend and I both lost our virginity to each other were both 19 and we've been together since junior high I'm scared that he's going to get bored of me and what to sleep with other women to try them out. I don't know why I have been having these thoughts because he has never done me wrong were best friends in love and I couldn't imagine myself without him. I've talked to him of how I feel and he assures me that I'm the only one he wants to sleep with. Is it wrong to think like this? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to look at the situation as objectively as possible. Watch what he does and try to base your thoughts on what’s actually going on in the relationship rather than what you think might happen.

The trap many people fall into is overthinking things and letting their own insecurities get in the way of enjoying a positive situation. People can even get so insecure that they drive the other person away with their constant worrying. You get to decide whether it gets to that point or not.

You might find it helpful to simply keep talking openly about how you’re feeling and making sure you listen carefully to him as well. Make sure you also talk about the great things in your relationship and the positive thoughts you have.

Remember to do everything possible so that you’re secure with yourself first before worrying about others. Do things you love and find out who you are and you’ll enjoy life even more. Take care.