my boyfriend gets extremely mad at me; extremely quickly. Everytime say/do something that makes him mad, he tells me to elave him alone. Some times this can take hours and hours. He tells me that being alone is how he deals with his anger, and refuses to talk it out with me and we end up going to bed upset and waking up upset. Should I leave him? It hurts me so much, but theres a lot of good too. Im honestly torn and just hoping that he'll change but i feel like its my fault for pissing him off. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. Anytime someone has anger issues in a relationship it’s important to be very careful because things can get worse very quickly, as in violent. In a healthy relationship, people deal with their anger in calm and kind ways and are able to talk about things.

You can’t change someone else’s behavior, it’s up to them to heal themselves, preferably with therapy. He deserves to find out what causes his behavior and learn skills to deal with it in ways that don’t hurt him and others. This can only be done through a lot of hard work with a therapist. You can’t do this for him and it has nothing to do with you, it’s about him and how he deals with his feelings. 

You might seriously consider taking a break from the relationship so you can take a breath and look at everything as objectively as possible. Think about what the situation does to you and how you want to be treated in a relationship. Take some time to find out how great you are and do things you love. Build yourself up, talk with people you trust and hang out with friends. You might even talk to a therapist as a gift to yourself to figure out what you can do to invite healthy relationships into your life.

It’s up to you what you do but please do some careful thinking and take action as soon as possible. Keep in mind that healthy relationships don’t hurt and that you deserve to be with people who know how to deal with their feelings and treat you wonderfully. You’re worth it. Take care.

My boyfriend and I are great with each other but there's one problem that I don't know how to get around on. He's the macho-man type of guy. He was raised around boys so he's very rough. We play but he get's a little bit to excited and sometimes he hurts me. I'm considered one of the boys but there's a limit I know he was raised like this. I talk to him about it he apologies but he seems to always get back in to old habits, how can I teach him to be more gentle in play time? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. The only way people change their behavior is if they decide they want to and then work hard to change it. The way he behaves now is very likely to be the way he behaves in the future unless he puts a lot of effort into doing something different. That leaves you with the decision as to whether this type of behavior is acceptable to you.

It’s always appropriate to ask people for what you want and then decide whether they are treating you the way you want them to. Behaving roughly is a potential red flag in any relationship because someone can get hurt; which is the opposite of what’s supposed to happen when people care for each other. Roughhousing or play fighting is people dealing with each other physically instead of emotionally. It’s the difference between hugging someone nicely and body slamming them.

The idea in any relationship is to be with someone who treats you gently, kindly and with great respect. It’s also vital that people be in touch with their feelings in addition to their physicality because it’s the feelings that build a strong relationship.

You get to decide who you want to date and how you want to be treated. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who is comfortable with emotions, respects your needs and treats you gently. Take care.

First of all, sorry for my awful english- i'm from chile, but i really need your help- I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday, I love him so much, I cant figure out my life without him, but yesterday I found some chats in facebooks between he and other girl, and he said to her some things that hurts me, we were engaged and when she asked him about that he told her "well, actually that was her idea, i'm not into it", and other things. He says he loves me and is trying to get me back... Help! — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s hard to go through a break up but there are some things you can do to take care of yourself. You might find it helpful to focus on his behavior. He’s done and said some things that are sending very clear messages. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do based on his behavior.

The goal in a relationship is to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them. You might want to wait a while to see what happens. Take a break so you can take care of yourself and think. It works like this:

  • Don’t contact him.
  • Do things you love and activities you enjoy.
  • Exercise.
  • Talk with your friends and family about the situation.
  • Talk with a therapist if you need to.
  • Make a list of all the wonderful things about you.
  • Take some time to think about what you would do differently in the future.
  • Plan your future without a boyfriend. What would it be like? What would you do?
  • Find out who you are and what you want in life.
  • If he contacts you, and you decide to talk with him, listen calmly and kindly to what he has to say without interrupting or commenting in any way. Then take some time to think about it. Tell him you need time to think. Remember to be calm and kind.

You can’t do anything about your boyfriend’s behavior. He gets to decide what he wants to do. If he appreciates who you are he’ll want to be with you, if he doesn’t then you’re still a great person.

The only person you can control is you, and that gives the opportunity to behave any way you want. You can celebrate how wonderful you are and live a great life if you want, for example. It’s your decision.

Remember that you deserve to be with someone who treats you well and loves you completely. You’re worth it. Take care.