valentine's day is coming up and i'm going to visit my long distance boyfriend for a few days. he's told me a couple times that he hates valentine's day and not to get him anything because he won't be getting me anything. he keeps bringing up that he was hurt before by his ex so he's just over the whole thing. he seems really serious about it and it hurts that he takes it out on me for what they did. should i leave it be this year or stick to my guns about wanting to do something? — iwibird
Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to respect other people’s wishes in a relationship, unless they are dangerous or negative. One of the biggest lessons in life is that other people view the world differently than we do because they’ve had different experiences.
You might consider giving him the gift of listening. Ask him about the situation and just listen without interrupting or reacting in any way. Learn about him. You can also tell him about your experiences. The idea is to talk calmly and kindly about things. The more you talk with each other the more you’ll be able to work on a resolution together.
Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you both know each other really well and value each other’s perspective. Take care.
Okay, I've been with my boyfriend for 7+ months and I love him very much, but he has a very bad habit of calling me a bitch. I tell him everytime to stop, him saying It's a habit and he calls everyone that. Recently I discovered that he doesn't call his ex a bitch ever so it annoys me greatly that he can't stop for me, his girlfriend. I've also discovered that his sends her text saying he's gonna sit her in his lap and do other inappropriate things. What do I do? — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. Name calling is unacceptable in a relationship. It shows a disregard for the other person as well as an inability to control one’s own behavior.
You get to decide what you want in a relationship, what kind of person you want to be with and how you want to be treated. Take some time to think about how he treats you and what his behavior says. It’s likely that the way he behaves now is how he’ll behave in the future unless he’s willing to do a lot of work to change it.
It’s OK to ask people for what you need as well. Let him know how you want to be treated and what you find appropriate. Do it in a kind and calm manner but make sure you ask for what you want. Pay close attention to how he reacts and what he does and consider whether it works for you.
It’s up to you to figure out what kind of people you want to let into your life. In a healthy relationship, people treat each other with respect and kindness and support each other in positive ways. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats you wonderfully and values the great person you are. Take care.
What does it mean if your new bf mentions his ex once in a conversation which is completely irrelevant to the topic? Taking note that he had a bad break up one year ago. Also the fact that he later tells you he shouldn't have brought her up? Should i be worried? I know i am just being over concerned, but if he is still thinking about his ex... — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to feel whatever you want to feel in a relationship. You also decide what behavior is appropriate for you and how you want to be treated. You might try talking kindly and calmly to him when you’re not in the middle of a situation and tell him how you feel. Let him know in a brief, friendly and gentle way what’s on your mind and what you’d like to see happen. Then just listen to him without interrupting or reacting negatively.
Talk with him a few times, listen to what he says and watch his behavior. After a while you’ll be able to tell if it’s working for you. You can’t change his behavior but you can let him know what you need and see whether he’s willing to work with you. Remember that you both deserve to be with someone who is committed to you and values your wishes. Take care.
This guy is on and off with his EX & they are together but It's more of a physical than emotional relationship for them. People tell me he's only with her for the sex. Then we became were serious last year when he took a break from her, and we got very serious. I loved where it was going. Then his ex came back in the picture and he left me for her. Even though he was with her, he still contacted me until we just recently got into a fight. What do I do now? I still love him, and I have faith. — iloveyou19999
Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s important to watch how people behave in a relationship. The way he’s behaved so far is a strong indication of what he’ll do in the future.
It’s up to you to decide if this situation is acceptable. Keep in mind that, in healthy relationships, the people involved are consistently there for each other treat each other with care and respect. You might want to take some time to think about what kind of relationship you want and how you want to be treated.
Other people will treat you the way you let them. It’s up to you to tell them what you find appropriate. Think carefully about what’s right for you and what will help you move in a positive direction and care for yourself. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who commits to you and treats you with respect. You’re worth it. Take care.
The Relationship Situation
My name is Janine and I’m 20 years old. I’ve been with my boyfriend David for a little over a year. 6 months ago I moved with him from San Diego to Austin TX. In short, I hate it here. I’ve been entertaining the idea of leaving back to SD, but my love for him keeps me here. Recently, I brought this up and asked If I did leave, could we be in a long distance relationship? He told me no at first. I asked him why and he said it was because of his ex, who cheated and then left him a few months after he went on deployment. I then asked him if he loved her the way he loved me. I said, there’s a difference between loving someone and being in with someone. He thought about this and replied, “well, I loved her but not in the same way that I love you…” and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. Wtf does that mean? Is there anyway I can convince him to be in a long distance relationship with me? Or should I just leave it alone?
The Relationship Advice
Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do based on what’s important to you. People often make decisions based on what someone else needs but that almost always leads to feeling resentful and dissatisfied. The key is to take some time to ask yourself what you really want to do and what will make you happy.
You can’t convince someone to do something they don’t want to do because they’ll eventually resent it as well. You might find it helpful to keep talking with each other about the issue. Tell each other what you’re thinking and feeling. Do it calmly and kindly and make sure to listen to the other person without interrupting or trying to lead them in any direction. The idea is to get everything out in the open so that you can both make an informed decision.
Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where the other person supports you unconditionally and works with you to arrive at a solution that is beneficial for both of you. Take care.
Can you help me with a relationship problem? My boyfriend & I have had a very complicated relationship. Before we made it official, he secretly went on a date w/ a coworker & he was "choosing" between his ex & me. One night, I went out w/ a guy friend who liked me (I told my friend that I was kind of "with" someone so nothing could happen) well he found out I went out & ever since, has had trust issues w/ me. I am not one to cheat & this was all before we went out but I don't know what to do. — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. You can tell how a relationship is likely to unfold by how it starts. The way your boyfreind is behaving now is likely to be the way he will in the future. Perhaps you could do some thinking about what kind of relationship you want so you can find people who will be a positive fit. Ask yourself some questions such as:
- What kind of person do I want to date?
- How do I want to be treated?
- What’s important to me in a partner?
- What kind of person do I deserve in my life?
- What have I learned from this experience?
These types of questions will help you figure out what you want to do. The key is to ask people to treat you well and do the same for them. You might also consider talking kindly and calmly with him and telling him how you feel and encouraging him to do the same. Make sure to listen to each other without interrupting or getting upset.
You can’t do anything about how he feels or acts but you can have some kind conversations so that you can get on the same page. If he’s not willing to communicate or work on things then you’ll need to decide what you want to do. Remember that you deserve to date people who want to work things out, not just make you feel bad about them. Take care.
My relationship with my boyfriend was complicated especially in the beginning; mainly issues with his ex - he still had feelings for her. My problem is we fight almost daily. I feel like I'm always wrong & he's always right & he condescends me. I'm afraid to confront him on problems even when I know he was wrong. (Him Skyping w/ other girls & talking to his ex saying he still has feelings for her). Somehow, I always feel at fault when we argue. I love him so much but I don't know what to do. — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s really important to tell the other person what you need in a relationship. You might find it beneficial to set aside a time where you both can talk without interruptions about what’s going on. Each of you talks for up to five minutes about what’s going on. While one person is talking the other listens. When listening, don’t interrupt or say anything, just listen. When talking, make sure you talk about your own experience without attacking the other person.
What you’re trying to do is tell him how you feel and what you want as in, “I like to be the only person in someone’s life when I’m dating them,” or “I don’t like it when someone tells me I’m always at fault instead of working things out with me.” As you talk and listen to each other pay close attention to what he says and how he reacts. You’ll get a better idea of where he’s coming from and what you need to do.
Also watch what he does carefully. If he always dominates your arguments that’s a sign that’s telling you something about his need to control others. If he makes you feel at fault it indicates someone who may not be able to take responsibility for his behavior. If he’s condescending it suggests he thinks you’re not as important as he is. If he’s Skyping other people then it says something about how much he respects you. None of these behaviors is kind or respectful.
You show people how to treat you in a relationship by what you let them do. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who values and respects you. You also deserve to be with someone who wants to make things better, listens to what you have to say and behaves kindly toward you. Take care.
Relationship Advice Blog
