I'm dating my best friend whom I've known for a decade. He's one of those really sensitive guys who covers it up by being super sarcastic and jokes about everything. He was put down and teased a lot when he was younger so he learned to put up walls. Even with our long history he doesn't seem to trust me enough to let his guard down. How can I prove to him that being a softy is ok and that his heart and feelings are safe with me? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You know you’re in a great relationship when you can put your walls down and be soft. Not everyone is at that point and only they can get there. One of the things you can do is just continue being a soft place to land. Over time he’ll either get the message that it’s OK to let his guard down or he’ll continue behaving the same way.

It’s up to you to decide if the way he behaves works for you. You can’t change him but you can make sure you take care of yourself and keep your life moving in a positive direction. You might find it helpful to keep building the relationship. Get to know each other, talk often and share your lives with each other. The more you know and understand each other the better chance that he’ll feel comfortable.

Don’t forget to celebrate yourself along the way and make sure you’re in a relationship that works for you. You’re worth it. Take care.

Soooo i've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years.. i love him a lot but i feel like i am gaining feelings for one of my really good friends. i always thought that if you feel anything for anyone else then you dont LOVE your bf.. but i honestly do. i feel terrible that i have these feelings but i cant help it.. i know that if i break up with my boyfriend ill be sad and i might nt even have a chance with my friend. but i still feel bad for feeling like this =/ what should i do.. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s up to you what you do in any relationship based on what you think is appropriate. The idea is to make decisions that help you treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction. Perhaps you might ask yourself some questions to figure out what your next step is, such as:

  • What kind of person do I want to be with?
  • How do I want them to treat me?
  • What kind of relationship do I want?
  • What am I doing to have a great relationship with myself without a significant other in the picture?
  • What is causing my change in feelings?
  • What can I do to make sure I take care of myself and move in a positive direction?
  • How do I define love?
  • What do I really want to do?

Take some time to think about questions like these. After a while you’ll have a clearer idea of what you want to do. The key is to make positive decisions and always make sure to talk kindly and openly with the people involved. Remember that you deserve to be with people who meet your needs and who you are genuinely interested in. Take care.

My boyfriend&I have been going a for about a year. As our relationship grew, so did how i thought about everything I take the most simple thing and turn it into something completely out of content or just so much more complex then it should be. I overthink everything. I know that if i want my relationship to last I need to get rid of that habit I trust my boyfriend so much and he is loyal, but my habit of over thinking makes me think differently it brings out all my insecurities. how can i stop? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the keys to a great relationship is to love yourself first. When you love who you are you’ll be so comfortable with yourself that you won’t be insecure about things.

You might take some time to think about what is causing your over thinking and insecurity. Ask yourself questions such as:

  • What is causing my over thinking and insecurity?
  • What events in my life led to the way I think now?
  • What is really happening in my relationship?
  • What might not actually be happening?
  • What is likely to happen in my relationship if I continue thinking like this?
  • What is unlikely to happen?
  • What am I doing to help myself be the happiest and most balanced person possible?
  • What am I doing to make sure I’m happy on my own outside of a romantic relationship?
  • Which of my behaviors make me happy and which don’t?
  • Which behaviors would I change to feel happier?
  • What am I willing to do to work on my over thinking and insecurity?

The idea is to think carefully about the reasons behind the over thinking and do other things that lead you in a positive direction. You might consider giving yourself the gift of talking with a therapist so you can learn how to deal with these thoughts and feelings and celebrate how great you are. It’s a way of treating yourself well.

You get to decide how you behave in any relationship and how you take care of yourself. Remember that you deserve to feel secure about yourself and others and enjoy positive relationships. Take care.