My boyfriend and I will be making two years on January 21 (Next week) Since the beginning of our relationship he cheated on me and kept on until about 7 or 8 months into the relationship and I chose to forgive him, I then cheated on him several times. I know I am not in love with him and I am pretty sure he is not in love with me. I find myself wishing or thinking of being single, I also find myself interested in other guys. How do I let go and why is it so hard for me to let go? — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s hard to let go of someone you’ve been in a relationship with. Sometimes people hang on to each other because they’re stuck in a certain behavior pattern, they’re dependent on each other or they feel they won’t have another opportunity to find love.
The key to interrupting this cycle is to choose what’s best for you. You might want to take some time to think about what kind of relationship you want and how you want to be treated. Think in terms of what you need to live a positive life and treat yourself well. You might even consider spending some time alone to find out who you are and celebrate the wonderful things about you. It’s like taking a deep breath after you’ve been underwater for a long time.
In a healthy relationship, the people involved value each other, behave in positive ways and really want to be with each other. It’s really difficult to keep a relationship going if one of the people doesn’t want to be in it. Take some time to think about what you want to do and then talk with him calmly and kindly. Be brief and to the point and listen to him.
Remember that you get to decide what kind of relationship you want and who you want to be with. Don’t forget to take care of yourself along the way as well. Take care.
The Relationship Situation
I need advice please. a year ago, my current gf and I were best friends and she confided in me that she slept with my ex. she was very sorry and I eventually forgave her- she is wonderful to me and since officially being together, we have a wonderful healthy committed relationship. I took a long time to get over the betrayal though but eventually I seemed to be in a place where I made peace and I forgave. Now though, i am relapsing. Im thinking about it and it hurts so bad.
I find myself thinking about what happened and wondering “how could she sleep with my ex and let that happen?” I am thinking about it now because it is around this exact time it happened. I feel terrible that I am not moving on- I honestly thought I did and I havent thought about it in such a long time, but now I am and I dont want to tell my gf because she might think I am bipolar for saying that i was over it. is my emotions normal? what can I do? (I am also female)
The Relationship Advice
Than you for sharing your situation. You can’t change the past so there are really only two options when it comes to forgiving someone:
- You forgive them and keep the relationship going.
- You can’t forgive so you leave the relationship.
There is no right or wrong answer, it’s whatever works for you. The key is to find a solution that enables both of you to enjoy your lives. It’s very difficult to keep a healthy relationship going if there is always something unresolved that threatens the relationship.
You might find it helpful to think about what really bothers you about the situation and decide what you want to do. If you want to fix it, you might consider talking with a therapist who can help you put the situation in perspective and learn skills to deal with it. You can also talk with her about it as long as the conversations are geared toware fixing things in a positive way that works for both people.
It’s up to you what you ultimately decide to do. Remember that you’re both too important to live with a ghost of things past. You either heal or move on. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where the other person treats you the way you want to be treated. You’re worth it. Take care.
My boyfriend and I broke our 3 year long-distance relationship in August. We got back together for a bit in September, but it was a one-sided relationship, he told me he wasn't ready try again. We broke up in October. I made the mistake of drinking too much one night in November and I fooled around with a friend, while my boyfriend and I were broken up. My boyfriend now wants to get back together, but he can't forgive me for what I did. I love him but I'm at a loss of what to do. :( — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s impossible to change what happened in the past but you can decide how you want to behave in the present. You can’t control what your boyfriend does but you can act in ways that lead you in a positive direction.
You might consider talking calmly and kindly with him about how you feel. Keep it brief and just talk about one or two of the major things you want to tell him. Then listen to him without interrupting or reacting negatively. Learn about his perspective. Then let go. Let him know you’re there for him and that you’re open to listening to him again if he wants to.
Now you have an opportunity to celebrate who you are. Do things you love and become the healthiest, most balanced person you can be. Take some time to think of what you would do differently in the future and what you’ve learned up to this point. Live your life and treat yourself well. As you keep growing you’ll learn new things about yourself and gain a broader perspective on the situation.
If he decides to get back together he’ll let you know. If not, you’ll still be a wonderful person. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who works through issues with you and is there for you as well. Take care.
My bf & I were together in college but he cheated on me w his ex-gf & we broke up. Three months after he graduated/relocated we got back together & have been going strong ever since (4 months now). I've seen a lot of change in him, he treats me like a princess & I am very happy. But now that he is getting established in his new city, I am finding myself VERY insecure when he's going out with co-workers or when he mentions hanging out with female friends. It's overwhelming. What can I do? :( — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. People’s past behavior predicts future behavior unless they do something like go to therapy for a long time to learn new skills.
It will be up to you to determine how you deal with this situation. Listen to your inner voice, it’s sending you messages. There’s a reason you’re worried when he goes out with co-workers or female friends. Pay close attention to his behavior and listen to your brain. If something feels strange it’s often because it is.
To move past guessing what’s going on or feeling insecure, talk with your boyfriend calmly and kindly about your concerns. Let him talk as well. Keep it brief and make sure you both listen to each other and don’t react or get upset. The idea is to gather information so you can figure out if he’s behaving in a way that’s acceptable to you. You then get to decide whether you forgive the past or let it haunt the relationship forever.
Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants to spend time with you and behaves in a way that earns your trust. Take care.
I recently found out my boyfriend of over two years has been cheating for about a year. He was sexually abused as a child, and is concerned he may have a sex addiction. He believes his problem can be treated through therapy, and has offered to meet with a therapist in hopes of getting back together. He seems dedicated to fix things, should I give him a chance? — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the only ways to get past traumatic events in our lives is to go to therapy. It’s a long and difficult process to change our thoughts and behaviors but therapy gives us the chance to examine what we think and what we do and learn new ways to cope with things.
It will be your decision as to whether you give him another chance. Only you know if you can forgive and move on or whether it will haunt the relationship permanently. If you aren’t willing to forgive and let go of it, you might consider ending the relationship so you can both move on.
If you believe deep inside that you want to give him a chance then it’s important that you look carefully at his behaviors. You might consider waiting for him go to therapy for many sessions before you make any decision because it will take a long period of time for him to change his behaviors. As a general guide, it takes a month of weekly therapy sessions to address one year of behavior. If he’s twenty years old then that’s twenty months of therapy before you’ll know if he’s changed. That doesn’t mean he won’t be changing along the way, it just takes a long time to change thoughts and behaviors.
Take some time to think carefully about what you want to do. You could also go to a therapist to help you clarify these issues if you’d like. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t cheat on you and who values and respects you. Only you will be able to decide whether you get back together but make sure that your decision includes treating yourself well. Take care.
Relationship Advice Blog
Found out somethin from the past, about 3 maybe 4 years ago. My man, used to go to a spot during lunch with a girl that I now extremely dislike, alone to talk to one another, she was also in relationship. He had told her his feelings on how I was being mean to him, but never told her how he treated me. She was in an abusive relationship & would mutilate herself & he tried to be a good friend, but he answered my q's, he did have a crush on her but only for 2 weeks. I can't seem to let it go. — Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your situation. It can be difficult to let go of things when someone has done something that affects you negatively. You might find it helpful to focus on what’s actually happening in the relationship. Ask yourself some questions such as:
- What can I do to forgive him?
- Can I forgive him?
- What questions might I ask him to learn more about the situation?
- What will I do to get past this?
It is up to you whether you decide to forgive and move past this incident or not. You get to decide whether it permanently haunts your relationship or whether you both work it out together.
Couples can get past issues like this but it takes work. You might consider having a series of conversations where each of you talk from the heart while the other person listens. Be calm and kind and keep from interrupting, blaming or reacting in any way; simply listen to the other person. Ultimately, it will be up to you whether you can forgive or not. If you can, then you can keep working on improving the relationship.
Keep in mind that, if you can’t forgive, it’s not fair to make yourself and the other person “pay” for what’s happened by never letting go. You both deserve a relationship where the hurts of the past have a chance at being healed. Take care.
