Im now 18 and ive fell for a guy who's 9 years older than me , ive known him for years and we are very serious about this , but can the age gap work? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to decide whom you have a relationship with and it’s always a good idea to treat yourself well and move in a positive direction. Age isn’t a factor unless it impacts someone in the relationship negatively. Developmentally, people are at different stages depending on their age, for example, think about what you were like nine years ago.

Perhaps you might think about some of the issues that affect people who are different ages in a relationship and then decide what’s best for you. For example:

  • Sometimes the older person knows things the younger doesn’t and can manipulate or take advantage of the younger person.
  • The two people can have different tastes in music, fashion, books and other cultural things.
  • The two people can have different educational levels.
  • The two people can have a different view of the world because they grew up at different times.
  • The older person knows what it’s like to be 18 but the younger person can’t know what it’s like to be older, simply because they’re not there yet.
  • Sometimes the older person tries to control the younger person or treat them like a child.

Take some time to think about issues like these and whether they exist in your relationship. The idea in any healthy relationship is to make sure you’re in a situation that is positive for you. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who treats you wonderfully and does the things necessary to build a great relationship. Take care.

what do you think the biggest age gap should be? Is 9 years difference acceptable when the younger person is 18? — Anonymous

Thank you for your question. There’s no absolute rules as to what is the ideal age for the people in a relationship, unless one is underage. There are a few things you might want to be aware of that can happen with people who are different ages:

  • People of different ages can have different perspectives because they’ve lived a different amount of time. Think about how you were nine years ago and you understand how age changes people’s perspective.
  • Sometimes the older person knows things the younger doesn’t and can manipulate or take advantage of the younger person.
  • The two people can have different tastes in music, fashion, books and other cultural things.
  • The two people can have different educational levels.
  • The two people can have a different view of the world because they grew up at different times.
  • The older person knows what it’s like to be 18 but the younger person can’t know what it’s like to be older, simply because they’re not there yet.
  • Sometimes the older person tries to control the younger person or treat them like a child.

The idea in any relationship is to be involved with people who will treat you wonderfully, value who you are and help you live your life in a positive way. If you don’t see any of the signs mentioned above then it’s up to you what you want to do. The important thing is that you be completely comfortable with the person and make decisions that help you take care of yourself and move in a positive direction.

If you’re wondering what to do then it might be a sign you need some more time to get to know this person. It’s always a good idea to know someone really well before making an important decision like dating them. The thing to always keep in mind is that you deserve to be with someone who really values who you are and treats you kindly. Take care.

Do you think 12 years is too much of an age difference? — Anonymous

Thank you for your question. You might want to think in terms of the negative and positive aspects of a 12 year age difference. For example: Age can be a negative factor in relationships if one of the people is underage and the other an adult. The other possible considerations are differences in maturity, life experience, educational levels and cultural preferences. In some cases, an older person can use an age advantage to manipulate someone who is less experienced.

On the other end of the spectrum, people can have a positive relationship as long as neither person is subservient or dependent on the other. If the people love each other and the difference doesn’t affect them negatively or force someone to change who they are then there isn’t really a problem. Remember that in relationships the idea is to be with someone who loves you, treats you like an equal partner and lets you be who you are. Take care.