I'm a college-aged guy with a preoccupied attachment style. My girlfriend is great and does more for me than I probably deserve... however, I constantly feel like she's not there enough. I want desperately to date someone extremely attached to me and extremely assertive (willing to make first moves) since I always end up being the one to initiate things. My girlfriend is understanding and tries to be that for me, but I'm afraid of pushing her away with my worries/dissatisfaction. What can I do? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s up to you how you behave in any relationship. Perhaps you might take some time to think about the reasons you think and act the way you and ask yourself some questions such as:

  • What kind of person do I want to be with?
  • What do I do when someone isn’t the way I want them to be?
  • What do I need in a relationship?
  • What’s worked so far, what hasn’t and what would I do differently?
  • What issues do I need to address within myself that will help me feel great and treat myself and my significant other well?
  • What am I doing to make sure I’m as healthy and balanced as possible before bringing someone else into my life?

Feelings such as worry, insecurity, dissatisfaction or need for attachment come from inside the person experiencing them. If you’re feeling things like these you might want to give yourself the gift of talking with a therapist to learn new skills to deal with things and discover how great you are. The happier you are with yourself, the more likely you’ll be able to enjoy your relationships.

Remember that it’s important for each person in the relationship to be healthy and able to appreciate and support the other person. Take care.

Relationship Advice Blog

I've been with my boyfriend for two years. I love him & we're the best together. I recently met a guy who's very handsome, cute & charming. He has a girlfriend of four years. We've been flirting a lot via text & we see each other once a week in our 3 hr lecture & a few times outside of class. I can tell that he's into me, I'm into him, and there is a noticeable amount of sexual tension between us. I want to hook up with him, but I'm not willing to let go of my boyfriend for just that. Advice? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to try to date people who are fully available and able to commit to you. It’s also beneficial to pay attention to how people behave right now because that’s likely how they will act in the future.

You get to choose what kind of relationship you want and how you behave. Perhaps you might consider that positives and negatives of anything you might want to do and how it might affect you and the people around you. The key in life is to behave in ways that help you move your life in a positive direction and treat yourself and others well. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where both people are completely honest and there for each other. Take care.

Relationship Advice Blog

This guy friend and I went on an early V-day date today. He wanted me to be his Valentine, so I said ok. I made it clear to him before the date that I might be interested in someone else and that he and I can only be friends. Had dinner, then we watched a movie in his dorm room, sitting on his bed. Later I realized that he was sitting closer to me than he initially was. He leaned his head on my shoulder few times and his arm was touching the side of my thigh. I don't know what to think of it? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to be completely open with people about what you’re looking for in a relationship. That way, neither of you has to guess what’s going on and there are no mixed signals.

Perhaps you might think about what you’d like to ask him or tell him and then talk with him calmly and kindly. Keep it brief and friendly but let him know what you’re thinking. Listen to him as well. The idea is to be clear and open so there are no misunderstandings. Remember that you both deserve to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with you and treats you well. Take care.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last week. I definately made the right decision, I had to do what was best for me because I felt like he didn't care anymore. The only thing is, I don't feel that sad, and I can see he's so depressed about it. I feel guilty that I don't actually feel sad about it. I get little pangs every now and again but nothing huge. Is there something wrong with me? :/ — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to feel whatever you feel in any relationship or after a break up. It’s normal to feel guilty or sad when someone is hurt. Any feelings of hurt, sadness or guilt usually lessen over time for both people. Also keep in mind that it’s fine for you to be kind to him or talk with him if you want, as long as it’s clear that you’re there as a friend.

It’s OK to take care of yourself and find a positive relationship that works for you. In the end, it’s also better for the other person because they can find someone who is compatible with them. Remember that you deserve to have confidence in your decisions and date people who are a good fit for you. Take care.

Ok so, I used to be with this guy for 6 months & now were not together anymore. I cant really get over him, & he wants to be friends. But he still flirts me & everything, he said he was "Debating" on asking me back out & yesterday he tells me a reason why he doesn't wanna date again. To me, it feels like hes fucking with my emotions... What should I do? I really want him back, but he wont take me back "yet" .... I would appreciate any advice you can give, thank you. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s hard to go through a break up and it can leave you vulnerable to someone playing with your feelings. It’s always a good idea to listen to your inner voice, it’s the one telling you what his behavior really means.

If someone loves you in a relationship he’ll treat you wonderfully and won’t play with your feelings. He certainly won’t dangle the “we might get back together” bait in front of you to control you in some way.

You get to decide who you go out with and how you want them to treat you. The behavior you accept from them is how they will treat you. Take some time to think about how you want to be treated and what kind of person you want to be with and you’ll eventually find what works for you. Keep in mind that the idea in a relationship is to be with someone who wants to be with you and helps you move your life in a positive direction. You deserve to be with someone who treats you respectfully. You’re worth it. Take care.

The  Relationship Situation

Messed Up Girl Who Hates Kissing. Where to start? I’m 22 and still a virgin. I’ve never been very social; between my introverted nature and my ~ 148 IQ, dealing with my piers was never easy. I didn’t date in high school. I was bullied and there weren’t many decent guys there anyway. College has been more of the same. I’m not bullied, but I never really caught the eye of any guys on campus and I still have little desire to drink and hook up. It doesn’t help that my school has a 65/35 sex ratio so there aren’t a lot of guys and I’d guess at least 20% of that is gay. Needless to say, my high hopes for college romance were wildly misguided.

Added to all this is my asshole father who emotionally abused and abandoned me. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 5 bc of him. I love my step-dad, and he’s been a great father, but he’s kind of controlling and we’ve always fought. I know he loves me, but it doesn’t fill the void of knowing my father never loved me. I’ve been told my whole life that all men want from women is sex. With all that, I have developed something of a distrust of men. I still want a man sexually, but I don’t think I can trust a man.

Now that you know all that, here’s my problem: I finally met a guy. He’s smart, funny, fairly good looking and he actually wants to spend time with me. He’s met my family and not only did he not run screaming into the hills (a perfectly understandable reaction) he gets on brilliantly with them. I like him. But I hate kissing him.

And it’s not just him! I’ve kissed three other guys before him and I never liked it. I thought it was them, that I felt weird bc I didn’t really feel attracted to them. But everything about this guy is great and I don’t want to kiss him. Kissing is gross, it’s wet and nasty. Don’t even get me started on tongue!

I feel like something is wrong with me. I tried talking to my family and they haven’t exactly been helpful. I tried googling it, but I mostly got BS and 14 year old girls who know nothing.

I feel like a freak.

The Relationship Advice 

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s really natural to have reservations about kissing someone or not enjoy it. It’s just who you are at this moment in time. Your personal history has also presented you with some challenges that you’ll deal with in due time. The great thing about life is that you get to decide who you are and what you do. You choose who you want to be and what’s right for you. Nobody else gets to do that but you.

You’re a really important person and you make the decisions that move you in a positive direction. If you don’t like kissing people, that’s fine, find out what you do enjoy and go from there. There are no rules you have to follow. You’re just you and that’s perfectly acceptable. You might want to ask yourself a few questions to clarify what you want in a relationship such as:

  • What do I want in a relationship?
  • What is it about kissing that I dislike?
  • What kind of person do I want to be in a relationship with?
  • How do I want to be treated in a relationship?
  • What work do I need to do first so that I can have the type of relationships I want?
  • What’s worked in the past and what hasn’t?
  • How am I taking care of myself?
  • What are the great things about me?

Take some time to think carefully about questions like these. The more you understand yourself, the closer you’ll get to an answer that works for you. There’s no right or wrong, just what feels appropriate to you. There’s also no rush or time frame you have to follow.

It’s also OK to ask for help. You might give yourself the gift of talking with a therapist who makes sense to you. Take some time to find one that feels like a good fit and do some exploring. The idea is to celebrate how great you are and learn some additional skills to live a life you’re happy with.

Remember that you’re an amazing and valuable person who deserves to be treated well in a relationship. You’ll find the answers that work for you and you’ll know it because you’ll feel great and attract people who appreciate the real you. You’re worth it. Take care.

So ive known my best friend Doug for 8 years (freshman in college now). I really like him, and hes always flirting with me but i dont want to say anything to him. Hes always wrestling with me and throwing me over his shoulder...However someone came up about a month ago saying "will you two just date and get it over with?" and he spat out no before i could say anything. i know how petty this is, and this is only for current relationships but i just needed some advice. thanks:) — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s positive that you both get along and you may want to just talk with each other to clarify what’s going on. It’s OK for you to tell him how you feel. Listen to what he has to say as well when you talk with him. Gather information so you can decide what to do next.

If he’s interested he’ll let you know. If not, then you’re still a great person and you can focus your energy elsewhere. The idea is just to get it out in the open so you don’t have to guess. Talk with him in a calm, caring, friendly way and remember that you deserve to be with someone who is interested in you as well. Take care.