I'm in a LDR since 5 years. Saturday night, my BF cheated on me for the 1st time. He kissed a girl, pictures were taken. He keeps on denying, but his friends betrayed him and even if they were told not to speak, they finally did. I hate his lies more than his betrayal. I wasn't expecting at all, but everyone's saying : because of the problems he's coping with these days, he can commit that sort of things. His mom left with his sister, they had a fight. He drinks a lot. He stopped studies. Help — beauty-in-pink

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s very important to pay attention to how people behave in a relationship. The way they act now is likely to be what they do in the future.

You get to decide how you want to be treated in a relationship and what’s best for you. It’s always a good idea to treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction. Perhaps you might take some time to evaluate the situation and your history with him in general and decide what you want to do.

You might consider talking with him and letting him know how you feel and what you need. Make sure to listen to him as well, without interrupting or reacting negatively. Gather information so you can decide what you want to do next. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who treats you well and wants to be with you exclusively. You’re worth it. Take care.

The Relationship Situation

I have been dating this guy for about 2 years. We have a long distance relationship but we keep in contact always. He has cheated on me before and we went throught this whole fight and alwasy broke up and he cried and aplogized and we ended up getting past it. Last night when we were talking he made comments like “theres no way you aren’t doing something with another guy you cant be just that commited to me, we havent seen each other in 5 months” and he said it in a laugh-able tone and he was like “if you’re that commited I need to shoot myself” and he smiled and stuff and was like “because someone else does love me”. It sounded like he was just joking around but serious at the same time. I don’t care if other girls like him, but the way that he said everything, is he basically saying he cheating on me again? I didn’t know what to do I just kinda smiled and laughed with him and I was like well I’m not doing anything. What should I do? Were both 18

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s important to watch people’s behavior in a relationship because what they’ve done up to now is likely to be what they do in the future. The only way to change the pattern is if they work on it for a long time. It’s also a good idea to listen to your inner voice, it’s the one telling you what’s really going on.

You get to decide what kind of relationship you want and what kind of person you want to be with. Perhaps you might take some time to think about what you want and talk calmly and kindly with him. Let him know what you need and make sure to listen to him without reacting negatively or interrupting. The idea is to gather information so you can make a decision. The more you learn about him the easier it will be to decide what you want to do. Keep in mind that the key is for you to treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction.

You’re a valuable person and you deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect and is there for you exclusively. You’re that important. Take care.

I had dated this guy before, but we broke up because he cheated on me. I still had feelings for him, however my best friend then went and had sex with him. I wasn't mad because I did break up with him. He was my best friend and we still talk as friends. But she has been getting mad at me for hanging out with him because she still has feelings for him. What should I do? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s up to you what you do in any relationship and it’s always a good idea to make sure your decisions help you treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction.

You might want to take some time to think about what type of decisions would have the most positive effect on your life. What might you do that would help you feel genuinely happy deep inside. Make sure to think about his past behavior and how it has affected your life. The way he’s behaved in the past is likely what he’ll do in the future. The same holds true for your best friend.

The more you think about things the more positive your decisions will be. The idea is to make sure you don’t repeat the patterns that haven’t worked for you or have created difficulties. You get to decide who you let into your life and how you let them treat you. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who values you and fully commits to you. Take care.

My boyfriend and I will be making two years on January 21 (Next week) Since the beginning of our relationship he cheated on me and kept on until about 7 or 8 months into the relationship and I chose to forgive him, I then cheated on him several times. I know I am not in love with him and I am pretty sure he is not in love with me. I find myself wishing or thinking of being single, I also find myself interested in other guys. How do I let go and why is it so hard for me to let go? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s hard to let go of someone you’ve been in a relationship with. Sometimes people hang on to each other because they’re stuck in a certain behavior pattern, they’re dependent on each other or they feel they won’t have another opportunity to find love.

The key to interrupting this cycle is to choose what’s best for you. You might want to take some time to think about what kind of relationship you want and how you want to be treated. Think in terms of what you need to live a positive life and treat yourself well. You might even consider spending some time alone to find out who you are and celebrate the wonderful things about you. It’s like taking a deep breath after you’ve been underwater for a long time.

In a healthy relationship, the people involved value each other, behave in positive ways and really want to be with each other. It’s really difficult to keep a relationship going if one of the people doesn’t want to be in it. Take some time to think about what you want to do and then talk with him calmly and kindly. Be brief and to the point and listen to him.

Remember that you get to decide what kind of relationship you want and who you want to be with. Don’t forget to take care of yourself along the way as well. Take care.

The Relationship Situation

I’m dating a guy that I met on an online dating site, things are going pretty well, we get along great. But I have a hard time trusting people because my last boyfriend cheated on me, was mentally abusive, and psychically abusive. I also have a hard time talking to people because I fear rejection. I’m wondering how I can ask him if he’s talking to other girls the same way as he is with me, with out offending him or coming off wrong. We’ve agreed to be exclusive, I still just really can’t help but wondering if he’s going to be another liar.

The Relationship Advice

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s normal to feel the way you feel, especially given how you were treated in your past relationship. The key in life is to learn from your experiences and build yourself up so you don’t repeat the pattern. The way to do this is to feel great about yourself so that you are able to spot people who might hurt you in some way. Here are a few things you might try:

  • Take a break from having a relationship and focus just on yourself.
  • Give yourself the gift of talking with a therapist to work on how great you are and learn skills to prevent what happened in the past. This will also help you develop communication skills so you can talk comfortably with people about challenging issues.
  • Do things you love.
  • Plan your future.
  • Make a list of all the wonderful things about you and put it somewhere where you can see it every day.
  • Make new friends and surround yourself with people who lead you in a positive direction.
  • Celebrate who you are.
  • Live a healthy, balanced life so you attract the same kind of people.

The only way to stop repeating the patterns of the past is to do something different. As you focus on yourself and how wonderful you are you’ll begin to see the world in a different way. Over time, you’ll attract people who will treat you wonderfully and you’ll be happy with who you are.

It’s OK to ask the guy you’re interested in to give you some time to heal and figure out who you are. If he genuinely cares for you, he’ll be there for you no matter what. Remember that you deserve to be the happiest, healthiest you possible and meet people who will treat you with care and respect. Take care.

hey, :) well to start... i been with my boyfriend or 2yrs and 7mths. i found out that he texts girls and flirts with them. calls them beautiful. and he's never called me that. i told him to stop. this was less than a year. but this week i noticed he still talked to them and said he wanted to hang out with them and go on a dates and called them hot and whatnot.. he says his never cheated on me. but idk if i should believe him. what do you think i should do? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to listen to your inner voice, it’s the one that’s telling you if something isn’t quite right. Perhaps you might think in terms of what his behavior means. For example: when a person flirts with other people and is interested in spending time with them then it says something about the relationship.

In a healthy relationship, the people involved treat each other with care and do everything in their power to be with each other. They behave in ways that build trust.

You might find it helpful to do some thinking about what kind of relationship you want and how you want to be treated. Pay close attention to how he behaves and ask yourself if that’s how you want to be treated. When you figure out what you want you can talk with him calmly and kindly and listen carefully to what he says. You can’t change his behavior but you can make your needs known. You can also count on him behaving this way in the future if that’s how he behaves now. It will be up to you to decide if this is the type of relationship you want.

Remember that you’re an important person who deserves to be treated with respect and be with someone who is there for you. You’re worth it. Take care.

I've been cheated on in both of my last relationships, and after the last guy cheated on me, I grew very wary of commitment. I've dated guys since, but whenever anything starts to get serious I bolt in the other direction. This guy just came back into my life and I swore to myself that I should've dated him in the past, because he's perfect for me. But now that he's asked me out, I'm terrified of the idea of commitment. How can I make myself stop freaking out about committing to him? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s natural to want to protect yourself from being hurt. The good news is that you don’t have to rush into a commitment. You might consider just getting to know the person as a friend first.

Spend time with him, get to know who he is and see if the two of you are compatible. Take your time and enjoy his company. Have some great conversations and get to know each other well. The more you know him, the less likely you are to get into a hurtful situation.

Let things develop naturally without worrying about getting serious or any other outcome. Be yourself and look at it as just hanging out with a friend. See where it takes you and treat yourself well along the way.

Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone you know really well and who will treat you like the important person you are. Take care.