I'm in a LDR since 5 years. Saturday night, my BF cheated on me for the 1st time. He kissed a girl, pictures were taken. He keeps on denying, but his friends betrayed him and even if they were told not to speak, they finally did. I hate his lies more than his betrayal. I wasn't expecting at all, but everyone's saying : because of the problems he's coping with these days, he can commit that sort of things. His mom left with his sister, they had a fight. He drinks a lot. He stopped studies. Help — beauty-in-pink

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s very important to pay attention to how people behave in a relationship. The way they act now is likely to be what they do in the future.

You get to decide how you want to be treated in a relationship and what’s best for you. It’s always a good idea to treat yourself well and move your life in a positive direction. Perhaps you might take some time to evaluate the situation and your history with him in general and decide what you want to do.

You might consider talking with him and letting him know how you feel and what you need. Make sure to listen to him as well, without interrupting or reacting negatively. Gather information so you can decide what you want to do next. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who treats you well and wants to be with you exclusively. You’re worth it. Take care.

My bf is always so positive, happy and he is really outgoing. But i am nothing like that, and it makes me wonder if we will ever fight? Like i know, fighting isnt good, but i dont want a super perfect relationship. I heard its good to have a fight once in a while. Maybe im just new to all of this, is it good that he is positive and happy all the time?? How can i crack him open?? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to be yourself in a relationship and be with someone who is compatible with you and meets your needs.

There are no rules saying you have to fight. In healthy relationships, the people communicate openly with each other without raising their voices or creating chaos. They work on talking frankly, kindly and calmly and working on solutions that work for both of them.

Many people have been taught that relationships have to have fights in them because that’s what they saw in their own families or learned from friends. It’s up to you whether you want to keep that pattern going. It tends to feel much better to be in a relationship where you treat yourself well and move forward in a positive direction.

Remember that you deserve a relationship that is healthy and balanced and where you work together to be happy. You’re worth it. Take care.

After being together for 2 weeks, my bf has shown that he is really committed and very supportive. Although, today when i looked at his facebook, apparently a friend who is a girl is sleeping over his house. He never even told me about it. The thing is i dont know if i should be worried? I dont want to talk to him about it because i stalked his fb profile. I just dont know what to do? :S I dont think he realises he is in a relationship? Ugh.... ;( — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s always a good idea to watch your significant other’s behavior in a relationship. What they do know is likely what they’ll be like in the future. You might think about what you want to ask him and then talk with him calmly and kindly. Ask him some brief questions and listen to him without interrupting or reacting negatively. Gather information from him before you draw a conclusion.

The key in a healthy relationship is for both people to know each other really well and communicate openly. Take some time to talk with him and learn about him and you won’t have to guess what’s going on. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who is truthful and willing to commit to you exclusively. Take care.

I want to break up with my bf of 2 years. I love him VERY much. He's great to me. BUT he doesn't go to the dentist, I have to remind him all the time to shave, cut his hair and nails, clean his ears, and he's pretty overweight. When I try to help him, he gets defensive and says he knows what he needs to do...but he hasn't done much. I feel if he doesn't know how to take care of HIMSELF, then he isn't ready to be in a relationship. It's hard, but is my reason valid? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to decide who you want to be with in a relationship and what’s acceptable behavior. It’s up to you to choose people that meet your needs and are a good fit for you. You might find it helpful to think about what you want in a relationship and ask yourself a few questions such as:

  • What kind of person do I want to be with?
  • How do I want them to behave?
  • What are the qualities my significant other must have?
  • What things are negotiable?
  • What has worked in my current relationship and what hasn’t?
  • What would I do differently in the future?
  • What will I do when someone doesn’t fit my needs?

You can’t do anything about how other people behave, it’s up to them to fix themselves. What you can do is be with people who make you feel great and help you move your life in a positive direction. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who is a good match for you, cares about himself and cares about you. Take care.

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My bf has this friend, a girl, who has her own bf but she has admitted to my bf that she wants to be with him and that she won't visit him if I'm around, she'll only visit if it's only them two. I trust my bf but I don't trust her because in my eyes, she has nothing to lose if she tries something with my bf. Now I don't want my bf to stop being friends with her but I'm not sure how to approach him and tell him that I am extremely uncomfortable at the idea of her visiting when I'm not there. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to decide what you think is appropriate behavior in a relationship and how you want to be treated. It’s OK to ask people for what you want and let them know what you’re comfortable with.

You can’t do anything to change how he behaves but you can observe his behavior and decide if it’s appropriate in your relationship. For example: Think about what it might mean when someone is hanging out with a person who is interested in them while they are already in a relationship. His behavior now is likely to be how he behaves in the future, it’s up to you to decide if you accept it.

You might consider talking kindly and calmly about what you think and feel. Let him know what’s important to you and what you need. Keep it brief and make sure you listen to what he says. You don’t have to say the perfect thing, just be yourself and tell him what you’re thinking in a friendly way. When you’ve had some conversations you’ll have more information to decide what you want to do next.

Remember that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you exclusively and respects your needs. Take care.

I'm in an inter-racial relationship and things have been difficult due to this. I have a feeling my bf doesn't want me to hang out with his friends cause of it although he says that's not it. Besides me he shows all interest (porn stars, strip clubs, women he checks out...) within his race and things physically between us have seemed to die out. Are these my insecurities? does he feed into this? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. One of the most important lessons for building a healthy relationship is to find someone who deeply values who you are and treats you well.

You’re wonderful the way you are so the key is to find people who will appreciate your amazing qualities. One positive way to do this is to make sure you’re the healthiest and most balanced you possible. Do things you love, celebrate who you are and meet people who like the things you like. When you live a happy, active life you’ll attract people who like you for you.

You might want to take some time to consider how you want to be treated in a relationship and how you want your significant other to behave. Once you do some thinking you’ll be able to decide what’s right for you. The idea is to be with someone who likes the real you and treats you with respect. You’re worth it. Take care.

hey, im 24 and ive being my bf for 2 years now. And we've been on a break about a month ago, before our break Which was three months b4 our break, he started to be less flirty n romantic, i guess its cos our communcation is quite low and i attend to call him alot and Ask him to call me back but, he doesnt. But, when we catch and go out we are strong in love. My question is what and how can i get back to the old bf that he use to be? plz help. xoxo — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You can’t change someone’s behavior but you can do things that help you both move in a positive direction such as:

  • Keep talking with each other.
  • Keep listening to each other.
  • Share your lives with each other.
  • Keep getting to know each other.
  • Keep supporting each other.
  • Keep treating each other kindly. 

It’s up to the two of you to keep building the relationship together so you’re both happy. It’s not just one person’s responsibility to keep the relationship going. You might find it helpful to work together to build two-way communication so you both are on the same page.

Keep in mind that the way he’s behaving now is likely to be how he behaves in the future so it’s up to you to decide what you want in a relationship and how you want to be treated. Perhaps you could take some time to think about what’s working in the relationship and what’s not and make adjustments to make sure you take care of yourself and are moving in a positive direction.

Remember that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be actively involved in the relationship. Take care.