hey, ive recently broke up with my ex- bf. And its been 2 days now. That we broke up, what the best way to deal with break-ups? And how can you forget bot your past relationship? Thank you for your time. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s hard to go through a break up in a relationship. Two of the things that help heal the hurt are:

  1. Time.
  2. Focusing on yourself and living a great life. 

It’s natural to feel any number of emotions during a break up including sadness and anger. The key is to experience whatever comes your way and realize it’s a normal part of going through a break up. You might consider taking some time to heal and take care of yourself. Do things you love, study, hang out with friends, make new ones, make a list of all the wonderful things about you and display it where you can see it, plan your future and exercise.

The more you do to build yourself up and enjoy life, the better you’ll feel. Keep in mind along the way that you’re a great person who deserves to live a great life with or without a significant other. Take care.

Ok so i have been with this guy i met on this internet for a month and a half now, He was amzing at the beginning of the realtionship but now he has gone distant and we never talk anymore. He can be so rude and horrible and over protective too the extreme. This has caused me too become distant as well as am i scared of him and his anger problems. I recently found another guy who is so nice, romantic but i dont know how too break up with my current boyfriend? How do i do this ? Im too scared ? — simultaneous-release

Thank you for sharing your situation. Being angry, jealous, rude, over-protective or violent in any way are huge warning signs in a relationship. These behaviors can all lead to domestic violence.

A positive way to deal with a situation like this is to tell other people about it. You don’t have go through this alone. Ask people you trust for help and distance yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.

End the relationship in a straight-forward, non-confrontational way. If you’re not in contact then leave it that way. If you are, then you don’t have to say anything complicated or explain a lot. Just tell him that you’ve decided the relationship isn’t what you’re looking for. Don’t use the word “you,” just tell him in a neutral and calm way that you want to end the relationship. Keep it very brief. You don’t have to say anything else. Listen to him (if you’re talking on the phone) without reacting in any way and then move on when the conversation is over.

It’s a good idea to have someone with you when you talk with him and don’t hesitate to ask for help if you ever feel you’re in danger. You might also consider not doing it in person.

It’s really positive to listen to your inner voice, treat yourself well and surround yourself with nice people who treat you kindly. Please act as soon as possible. Anger can get worse the longer the relationship lasts. If you don’t have anyone to help you you can contact a resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, thehotline.org for information on what you can do. You’re a valuable and important person so please take action immediately. Take care.

my boyfriend gets extremely mad at me; extremely quickly. Everytime say/do something that makes him mad, he tells me to elave him alone. Some times this can take hours and hours. He tells me that being alone is how he deals with his anger, and refuses to talk it out with me and we end up going to bed upset and waking up upset. Should I leave him? It hurts me so much, but theres a lot of good too. Im honestly torn and just hoping that he'll change but i feel like its my fault for pissing him off. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. Anytime someone has anger issues in a relationship it’s important to be very careful because things can get worse very quickly, as in violent. In a healthy relationship, people deal with their anger in calm and kind ways and are able to talk about things.

You can’t change someone else’s behavior, it’s up to them to heal themselves, preferably with therapy. He deserves to find out what causes his behavior and learn skills to deal with it in ways that don’t hurt him and others. This can only be done through a lot of hard work with a therapist. You can’t do this for him and it has nothing to do with you, it’s about him and how he deals with his feelings. 

You might seriously consider taking a break from the relationship so you can take a breath and look at everything as objectively as possible. Think about what the situation does to you and how you want to be treated in a relationship. Take some time to find out how great you are and do things you love. Build yourself up, talk with people you trust and hang out with friends. You might even talk to a therapist as a gift to yourself to figure out what you can do to invite healthy relationships into your life.

It’s up to you what you do but please do some careful thinking and take action as soon as possible. Keep in mind that healthy relationships don’t hurt and that you deserve to be with people who know how to deal with their feelings and treat you wonderfully. You’re worth it. Take care.

I was with my ex for two years, but he was really posessive and had some anger issues, we broke up and i moved on. My ex started talking to me again and when he asked me if i was dating anyone I told him the truth, he called me every horrible name and made me feel worthless. He apologized a week later and on xmas we started talking again. Well tonight i met a new guy and hes really nice and wants to hang out. But for somereason i still feel attached to my ex, this is really hard. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s hard to get over someone but it’s never beneficial to be with someone who treats you negatively. A healthy relationship doesn’t include possessiveness and anger.

You have a lot of power in this situation and you can decide what to do next. You have at least two choices including:

  1. Move on and live a great life free from someone who is possessive and angry toward you. Take care of yourself and treat yourself well because you’re wonderful.
  2. Stick around with a person who will continue to be possessive and angry and could easily become violent.

You can’t change someone else’s behavior, only your own. You also can’t wish someone to change, only they can do that. Possessiveness and anger are two major characteristics of abusive partners. Those qualities can even lead to physical violence. He would have to work for a therapist for a long time to work out his own issues. The way he behaves now is likely how he will behave in the future, if it doesn’t get worse.

It’s up to you to decide what you do but you might consider taking a long break from any relationship and focusing on yourself. If you’re having difficulties staying away from a situation like this you might give yourself the gift of going to go see a therapist.

Seeing a therapist means you’re treating yourself kindly and you value yourself enough to seek help. When you talk with a therapist she or he will help you discover what draws you into a relationship like this and what you can do to take care of yourself. Don’t forget to also talk with other trusted people in your life about what you’re going through.

You are a valuable and amazing person and you deserve to be with someone who cares for you in a kind and gentle way, all of the time. Please seek help immediately and keep in mind that you deserve to live a life where people treat you respectfully and care for you. You’re that important. Take care.

when my boyfriend gets mad at me, he calls me names. he's called me a c*nt, a b*tch, and a piece of sh*t. he tells me when he's not mad anymore that he'll never call me those things but he always does. how do i make him stop? it hurts so much. should i stay with him? idk what to do. — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. It’s never OK for someone to call you a bad name in a relationship or in any situation. Please think very carefully about what you want to do next because you’re in a potentially dangerous situation.

One of the characteristics of someone with an anger issue is name calling. Anger can get out of control very quickly and put you in danger, as in domestic violence. If you want to learn more about what to look for or need help now, please call your local domestic violence shelter or a resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, thehotline.org.

Please think seriously about seeking help. Tell people about your situation and remove yourself as quickly as possible. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cherishes you, treats you wonderfully and values the great person you are.

Please seek help from trusted people in your life. You might even consider giving yourself the gift of going to a therapist so you can avoid situations like this in the future. Please act now, you’re a valuable and important person and you’re worth it. Take care.

Hello. I was just wondering if you could help me on how I should deal with my boyfriend's anger issues. Usually its about the littlest things and when I tell him that, he calls out on me and says that nothing matters to me. I know he cant help it and he says that all he wants me to do is calm him down but I dont know how to do that when the things that he's mad about makes me upset me too. How do I calm him down without making him more upset? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. People are responsible for controlling their own emotions. You might want to pay close attention to this type of behavior because anger has a way of getting worse over time. It’s always a good idea to be in a relationship where someone consistently treats you well and knows how to deal with his or her own anger.

There are a couple of things you might consider doing:

  1. Listen to what he has to say without interrupting, reacting negatively in any way, arguing or giving advice. Don’t react at all, just listen. This doesn’t mean you agree with him or think he’s right or not hurtful, it just means that you’re listening to him. Then you get to make a decision about how to proceed based on what you hear coming from him.
  2. Ask him for what you want and how you want to be treated. Do this when things are calm, not in the middle of an argument. Always talk with him in a calm and kind manner. You get to show him what it’s like to talk kindly and without anger. You might consider having someone else present when you talk to him about this.
  3. Let him know (when things are calm) how his anger makes you feel. Don’t attack him, just let him know what you’re feeling inside. Watch his behavior and decide whether this is the type of relationship you want. You might consider talking with him with someone else is present.
  4. Go see a therapist together.
  5. Spend some time apart until he gets help for his anger. It will take months to years of therapy for him to work out his own anger issues. 
  6. End the relationship because you deserve to be with someone who knows how to control his anger and doesn’t get it on you. 
  7. Ask yourself what are the reasons you’re in a relationship like this?
  8. Go see a therapist who can help you deal with what’s going on inside you?
  9. Don’t keep this situation a secret, talk with people you trust and get things out in the open. Do it quickly.

It’s vitally important to realize that his anger isn’t about you, it’s about what’s inside him. It will be up to you to decide how you want to be treated and what kind of person you want to be with. The most positive relationships are those where people can express their emotions safely and without hurting each other.

Please realize you can’t fix his anger issues, he has to do it. They won’t go away unless he works on them for a long time. Expect that this is the way he’s going to be or that it will get worse over time. That’s how anger works.

It’s your choice whether you want a relationship with someone who behaves this way or something else. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship that is safe and where anger doesn’t hurt people. You’re a valuable and important person. Take care.

Relationship Advice Blog