Im now 18 and ive fell for a guy who's 9 years older than me , ive known him for years and we are very serious about this , but can the age gap work? — Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your situation. You get to decide whom you have a relationship with and it’s always a good idea to treat yourself well and move in a positive direction. Age isn’t a factor unless it impacts someone in the relationship negatively. Developmentally, people are at different stages depending on their age, for example, think about what you were like nine years ago.

Perhaps you might think about some of the issues that affect people who are different ages in a relationship and then decide what’s best for you. For example:

  • Sometimes the older person knows things the younger doesn’t and can manipulate or take advantage of the younger person.
  • The two people can have different tastes in music, fashion, books and other cultural things.
  • The two people can have different educational levels.
  • The two people can have a different view of the world because they grew up at different times.
  • The older person knows what it’s like to be 18 but the younger person can’t know what it’s like to be older, simply because they’re not there yet.
  • Sometimes the older person tries to control the younger person or treat them like a child.

Take some time to think about issues like these and whether they exist in your relationship. The idea in any healthy relationship is to make sure you’re in a situation that is positive for you. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who treats you wonderfully and does the things necessary to build a great relationship. Take care.

what do you think the biggest age gap should be? Is 9 years difference acceptable when the younger person is 18? — Anonymous

Thank you for your question. There’s no absolute rules as to what is the ideal age for the people in a relationship, unless one is underage. There are a few things you might want to be aware of that can happen with people who are different ages:

  • People of different ages can have different perspectives because they’ve lived a different amount of time. Think about how you were nine years ago and you understand how age changes people’s perspective.
  • Sometimes the older person knows things the younger doesn’t and can manipulate or take advantage of the younger person.
  • The two people can have different tastes in music, fashion, books and other cultural things.
  • The two people can have different educational levels.
  • The two people can have a different view of the world because they grew up at different times.
  • The older person knows what it’s like to be 18 but the younger person can’t know what it’s like to be older, simply because they’re not there yet.
  • Sometimes the older person tries to control the younger person or treat them like a child.

The idea in any relationship is to be involved with people who will treat you wonderfully, value who you are and help you live your life in a positive way. If you don’t see any of the signs mentioned above then it’s up to you what you want to do. The important thing is that you be completely comfortable with the person and make decisions that help you take care of yourself and move in a positive direction.

If you’re wondering what to do then it might be a sign you need some more time to get to know this person. It’s always a good idea to know someone really well before making an important decision like dating them. The thing to always keep in mind is that you deserve to be with someone who really values who you are and treats you kindly. Take care.

I just wanted to say that you're doing a great job on here giving us some amazing advice! Props :) Anyway, I was just wondering if you think age matters in a relationship? This guy that I work with is 7 years older than me, but we get a long really well (so well that our manager usually puts us on the same schedule), but I don't know if that's just too large of an age gap. Thank you so much in advance! — Anonymous

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your situation. The only time age matters in a relationship is if it leads in a negative direction as when:

  • One of the people is an adult and the other is underage.
  • There’s a big difference in life experience or educational level.
  • One person uses his/her age and experience to manipulate or control a younger person.
  • The two people don’t share any interests. 
  • There is a big difference in maturity levels.
  • The age difference is something that concerns one or both of the people or is always in the back of their minds.
  • The people have conflicting goals or are at different stages in life.

You might find it helpful to have a series of kind and calm conversations with him. Get to know him and learn about what type of person he is before you make a decision. Gather information so you can tell what he’s really like.

Also make sure you listen to your inner voice because it tells you what you should do. Remember that you deserve to have a relationship with someone who will grow with you and connects with you at many levels.

You might find it helpful to make a list of the positives and negatives of the situation and decide whether it’s something you want to do. Try to think ahead so you avoid any possible negative consequences. The idea is to always be careful and take care of yourself. Take care.